This past Wednesday we drove two hours to the Louisville airport to put my 18 year old daughter on a plane to go visit my other daughter in Little Rock. We arrived at 11:30 for flight 5502 to Atlanta departing at 12:33. My wife and I stood just outside the security screening area until our daughter passed through security and was out of sight. At this point it was11:45 and her flight was still listed as "On Time".
We left the airport to return home and had just crossed the Indiana/Kentucky border when our daughter called to say her flight was delayed until 2:45. We stayed in the area in case we needed to return to take her back home. After several more delays it was around 5pm, 4.5 hours after her original flight time. We found out that the delay was due to bad weather in Atlanta.
At this point I told my daughter to go to the counter and ask if she could be put on another flight to a different city that would connect her to Little Rock. I told her to explain to them that she didn't have to go through Atlanta as long as she made it to her final destination. She also told the man at the counter that she was not from Louisville and did not want to miss her flights and be stranded in a strange city by herself.
It was at this point that the man behind the counter felt it appropriate to laugh in my daughters face. He didn't say "no, I'm sorry" or "this is why that can't be done". He laughed in the face of an 18 year old girl that was worried about making her final destination after saving her own money to pay for a ticket to visit her sister.
Luckily her original flight finally took off from Louisville at 6pm and arrived in Atlanta only to be delayed several more times. The counter people there were much more helpful and respectful and ended up putting her on another flight that eventually took her to her destination 8 hours later than her original arrival time.
While I am hopeful her return trip this Sunday will go much more smoothly I know bad weather can create chaos on an airline schedule. However, the customer service experience had better be much improved over what my daughter experienced in Louisville. This is a young woman that works hard at both her job and school, is working hard to go on to college next fall, and treats others will courtesy and respect. She deserves no less in return for her money.
Today we are going to talk about the male ego. It seems that some of you ladies do not understand just how fragile the male ego really is. Just a few well meaning words can send us into therapy faster than you can say "pencil dick".
So what brought me to comment on the male ego today? I witnessed a conversation on Twitter this past week where a woman actually said "at least he has a pretty penis". Now ladies, if you don't see what is wrong with this statement you will never understand men. Never use the words pretty or cute when describing the male member. Puppies are cute. Sandra Bullock is pretty. Kittens are cute. Flowers are pretty. Telling a man he has a cute penis can be devastating and there is not enough Viagra in the world to recover from that.
If you want to compliment a man, especially regarding his "equipment", use the words rugged, handsome, spectacular, massive. We don't care if you lie to us. My most used phrase during sex is "Lie to me and tell me how big I am". It isn't any different than when you ask us if those pants make your ass look big. You want us to lie to you. I have a feeling us telling you those shorts make your ass look bountiful is not what you want to hear. You want us to lie to you and say "No dear, your ass looks fantastic in those jeans". Chances are the truth is they make it look like two gophers sumo wrestling in the seat of your pants. The thing is, we don't really care. As long as you take those pants off every once in awhile we don't care how the contents look.
So what it all boils down to is if you promise to keep lying to us and use the correct adjectives, we will promise to keep lying to you. It is a win-win for all involved. Besides, a little white lie every once in awhile is way cheaper than extended therapy. I should know, I've sent several of my therapists into therapy
First it was Paris Hilton, then her club buddy Kim
Kardashian. Since then we can add Pam Anderson, Amy Fisher, Shauna Sand, Mindy
McCready, Kendra Wilkinson, and Montana Fishburne to the growing list. And now
comes word Heidi Montag has several sex tapes as well. Remember the days when
seeing a picture of a celebrity topless was a huge deal? Remember when pictures
of Madonna and Vanna White hit Playboy and everyone had to run out and check it
out?
There is just no shock value left in porn these days. Don’t
get me wrong. Initially I was all for seeing Heidi Montag doing her imitation
of a circus sword swallower, but the more I think about it the less intrigued I
am. Part of the enjoyment of a sexual situation at least for me is watching the
body parts move in rhythm while watching the facial expressions and reactions
of your partner. Does anyone really think that with all the plastic in Heidi’s
body these days any part of her would “jiggle”? And is it even possible for her
to have a facial expression anymore? Add to that the possibility of having to
see Spencer naked and the entire thought now makes me vomit a little in my
mouth.
So let us just look at this whole celebrity sex tape
revolution. I’ve seen the Paris Hilton tape. I feel like I should be in jail
because she comes across like a 14 year old girl. I’ve seen the Kim Kardashian
tape. I’ve seen more inspired sexual performances by my cat and his stuffed “buddy”.
Tried to watch the Shauna Sand tape and I have to say that is time in my life I
will never be able to get back. Amy Fisher? Saw a clip of her and the old
geezer she is married to and I swore off sex for months. Now if all these tapes
are this bad why do they continue to hit the market? Simply because of our fascination
with famous people.
Ok, maybe part of so that when guys are fantasizing about
these women they can more realistically get a picture of them in action in
their mind. Believe it or not there are a lot more perverted people than me out
there and the idea of bumping uglies with a celebrity really cranks their
knobs. Personally I only fantasize about having sex with myself because I’ve
always been told nobody will ever love me like I love me.
So what does this all mean? Yes, I’ll probably watch the
Heidi sex tape as long as I don’t have to pay for it. I admit I’m curious as to
whether or not she can show any personality whatsoever. But I swear I will not
enjoy it…..at least that is my story and I’m sticking to it.
In alot of ways I am about as old school, old fashioned as it gets. I expect things to be done a certain way and I am not polite when things aren't done that way.
Let's start with my daughters and their love lives. When a boy in brought into this house I expect certain things of them. I expect them to meet me with a firm handshake, look me in the eyes when we are speaking, and be respectful of my home and family. Those things will tell you alot about a young man in a short period of time.
The downside to that is my girls have now begun coaching these young men before they bring them to meet me for the first time. They know what to expect and how to act. If they can not follow the plan once in the front door that are going to have a very uncomfortable night. I have on occasion had to tell the women of the house to either get this young man out of my house or I will drag him out into the yard and take him apart limb by limb. Luckily they don't show up that stupid very often.
My girls will tell you I am a real ass. They have described me as not a nice person. But when the chips are down and they need something they come to me because they know way down deep I am just a big pushover.
Saturday night I had a craving for wings so the wife and I headed over to Buffalo Wild Wings in Bloomington. Last time I make that mistake again. We go in and give our name and sit down on the bench and wait for them to seat us. Now keep in mind there was a UFC pay per view event that night so the place was packed. As I sit there on the bench I watch as the manager berates two different employees at different times right in front of us. At this point I'm this guy needs a class on what not to do in front of customers.
We have been sitting there for about 20 minutes and should be next on the list when the young lady in charge of seating folks (who I had just witnessed 10 minutes prior getting her ass reamed by the manager) tells us that her manager will not let her seat just 2 people at a table tonight. She then asks if we would be willing to sit in the bar. I told her I had no problem with sitting in the bar but that it appeared to be standing room only at that point. She took it upon herself to get us a table at the bar even running off a gentleman that tried to take it while we were waiting for the table to be cleaned.
Keep in mind that I have absolutely nothing bad to say about the young women working there that night at all. Several of them went out of their way to make sure we were taken care of and our food came out about as fast as I have ever seen there. This so-called manager is obviously in the wrong business. I have eaten in this establishment 4 times in the last month alone. Twice in the last week. I will not go back again until I know that this place has new management. I will go somewhere that wants my money. Someplace that will at least show their employees that appear to be working very hard for them the respect of taking them to the back before berating them.
Mr. Manager, be very thankful you did not make your way past my table last night. I would have made you feel way smaller and way less important than you did your employees and us last night. In this economy your employees may not be able to walk out on you and find another job but I can certainly take my business somewhere else. I can't wait for the day one of your employees get so fed up they shove your Napoleon complex right up your ass
Where did this Monroe County deputy find somebody to give him a blowjob for $5 and a pack of smokes? Where the hell do you find these women? I give the wife hundreds of dollars each week and all I get is hallway sex. Even in the late 80's/early 90's something like that was at least $20. Damn cops and their perks.
So I wake up about 3:30 this morning having to go to the bathroom so bad I thought I was going to explode. For some reason the bedroom was extremely cold so I decided to just try to hold it till my alarm went off 3 hours later. It didn't take long to figure out that plan was not going to work. Then I started trying to talk myself into getting up and doing my business but the room temperature kept changing my mind. Next I started to debate the pros and cons of just letting it go right there in the bed.
If I just let it rip, not only would I get to stay in the bed but I'd get some extra warmth for awhile from the "liquid". Then again once it cooled off I'd probably be even colder. Of course if I did wet the bed I probably wouldn't have to share the bed with my wife anymore.....and after alot of thought decided I couldn't figure out if that was a pro or a con. Then I realized that my bed would forever smell like urine once I decided to do the deed. Then again...that was going to be a cold walk to the bathroom. How in the world am I supposed to make a life altering decision like this without the benefit of a shrink?
Suddenly a pain hit and my decision was made for me. Care to guess what my choice was? Thats right....I got my lazy ass out of bed and headed to the bathroom griping the whole way about how my fat ass shouldn't be so cold with all the insulation I have now.
So the moral to this story? Turn the friggen heat up and turn the ceiling fan off at night!
Ok, so what is the deal with all these shows about people having 10-20 kids? Who the hell cares how you manage to raise 8 kids? Having 15 kids doesn't mean you are great parents. It means you are too fucking stupid to use birth control. Sure, our grandparents and great grandparents had huge families. They had nothing better to do!!!! Good grief man, if you are that damn horny all the time buy a blow up doll and leave that poor woman alone.
Now don't get me started on that Gosslin turd. That whiney little boy wants to cry about how he got married at 22 and how his wife beat him down all the time while he spends his days banging out college girls. Man up and take care of your family! Quit crying about how you never got to sow your wild oats. I was 15 the last time I was single. Get over it. You think you have it hard now wait until you are the divorced father of 5 teenage girls. You will wish you pulled your dick off and fed it into a meat grinder. That will make the way your wife treated you seem like a swedish massage.
In conclusion, bring back the good old sitcom and can all these damn reality shows. Give us some nudity and violence....something that won't make us feel quite as dirty as we do watching "Just the 32 of us".
Welcome to Phireside Chat. Why in the world would I take the time to create a blog? Well, those of you that have been on Facebook or the various forums that I frequent know that I sometimes have alot to say. Usually it is vulgar, offensive, or just so damn far out there that people shake their head and say "what the hell is wrong with him?". Well, this is my spot to offend anyone and everyone without pissing off every relative and friend I have. If you came here you expect to be offended, enlightened, or entertained. So sit back, get comfortable, and try really hard not to hold me responsible for anything you might see here because I have never been responsible in my life.
